Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

It was a slow weekend for news. It was also a slow weekend for brain activity here at Weblog Sin Pies. Probaby the tryptophan. Or the cranial hematoma.

Cool weather creeped in over the last few days, prompting many a “brrrrrrr” and even some premature flip-flop storage. What a pain! That’s right, it dipped into the low 60s and even high 50s in L.A., and you know what that means: It’s time to start thinking about tax season.

Ha ha! Just kidding. It’s time to start thinking about winter sports season, which is already started, is coming right up, has just ended, or is about halfway over, depending on your location in the world. Don’t break a leg this year! Again!

Hey, have you checked out the sponsor links at the top of the page? If you like comics, you may want to give them a try. Many of the advertisers on Project Wonderful are online comics. They’re not all great, but there’s something for everyone, no doubt. I don’t make any money when you click through, by the way, so this isn’t just a shameless way to score some cash.

Speaking of pointless endeavors, vote Libertarian in 2008 because this is News and Aaahs for Nov. 26!

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Illustrating exactly how slow the weekend was in terms of current events, Kramer’s racist rampage managed to stay near the top of the headlines. Michael Richards went on Jesse Jackson’s radio show to try to explain himself. He feels real bad; he doesn’t know what came over him, etc. Meanwhile, the targets of the tirade want a personal apology. Some sort of monetary compensation might even be necessary to heal the wounds completely.

‘It is not enough to go on television and say “I’m sorry,”’ Allred said. ‘We are issuing a challenge to Michael Richards.’

I’m sure that the complainants are going to ask Richards to donate money to the NAACP or a similar organization. I mean, right?

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A poem by me, circa 2000:

You twirl round through each little space,
holding steadier than leather, satin, or lace.

Yet you bend to fit each subtle contour.
It’s awesome to know you’re whom I was meant for.

The only thing is, you’ll rust in the weather
because you’re the spiral that holds my notebook together.

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Just because I spent the weekend without a care in the world doesn’t mean I wasn’t discovering interesting new tidbits, such as the existence of Screeched, the Dustin Diamond sex video.

It was an interesting tidbit, though not really surprising at all. Were you surprised? Diamond was Screech on Saved by the Bell, in case you don’t know. And his latest endeavor isn’t so great, according to the review. How about now — surprised yet? I know you’re still curious, so follow that link with caution if you’re at work, though those looking to catch a glimpse of the little man’s little man will be mercifully disappointed.

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Kathryn Johnston was killed in a shootout with police when narcotics officers attempted to serve a warranted and she opend fire, injuring three of the them. By the way, she was 92.

Authorities said the agents got a search warrant for her home after buying drugs from a man there that afternoon. Police said the plainclothes agents identified themselves, but when they knocked down Johnston’s door, she opened fire and injured three of the officers.

…

Johnston’s neighbors and relatives have called the raid a case of mistaken identity. Her niece said there were no drugs in the home.

Now, I’m not a police sympathizer by any means, but come on. Drugs or not, she did shoot three people. I don’t think anyone deserves to be killed, but have you ever tried arguing with a really old lady?

Or when someone is shooting at you do you attempt to figure out how old he or she is before you defend yourself in some way? I certainly do, for I am the armchair enforcer!

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Have a swift five-day week, if you can, and be sure to pick up that expensive X-mas present that someone you know is just dying for. After all, if you can’t express your holiday spirit through commerce, well, how the hell else can you express it?

From the people that brought us the U-2 comes a fancy-shmancy, all-new and way creepy new plane! This new plane is called the “Cormorant.” “Why?” you ask. Good question.

The answer to your good question is that this sucker will be launched from the missile tubes of submarines, float to the surface of the water, and then take off like some beautiful, yet callously murderous bird of prey. Or like some … curious … bird of watching stuff happen. See, it can also be a spy plane! This ability to launch from underwater is why it’s called the Cormorant in the first place. It is named (for you non-birders) for the aquatic bird of the same name. That’s about where the analogy ends.

The actual bird is not outfitted with Al Qaeda-hating missiles, which is why Lockheed had to make a fake one. Also, they can’t be flown by remote control, like the existing predator drone. They are really only good for fishing, and nets work better anyway. Long story short, while considerably more expensive than even the finest hand-raised cormorant (bird), the Cormorant (plane) is arguably more strategically useful.

On the other hand, the actual bird sends out more of a message of peace, and this might be the way we should be leaning anyway. If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. If you lend a man your cormorant, he could eat for, like, a week or something. It depends on how long it was leant for.

Maybe the Bush Administration is being a little too hasty when pursuing these wicked-awesome, but potentially deadly replacements for the (granted even more deadly) Trident missiles of the Cold War. But what if, just what if, we could make a dove-shaped plane that launches from those same missile tubes, and instead of dropping bombs, they drop … fish. Wouldn’t we all be a little better off? Wouldn’t we be the proverbial “bigger man”? Plus, we would kill off our enemies with the much more insidious mercury poisoning, over the course of several generations. Now that’s “a new kind of war.”

Product review: Gillette Fusion

Msn: Gillette adds several more blades with which to cut you

“There was never a plan to go to four,” said Peter Hoffman, president of Gillette’s blades and razors business, who said Fusion was in the development pipeline for several years.

They went from three to five. Remember in “A Christmas Story” when the kid goes right from the “double dog dare” to the “triple dog dare,” creating “a slight breach of etiquette” by skipping the “triple dare”? And do you remember the fiasco that resulted? Fire trucks? Cops? There’s a progression to these things, I tell you.

A new miracle design allows you to carve chunks out of your flesh without removing the beard hair. How do they do that!? The result is a bloody, yet surprisingly hairy face. The only way they could make it worse would be to somehow cut your face up while simultaneously making your beard hair even longer. Come on science!

A few days after Schick launched four-blade razor the Quattro, I ran into my friend Dave in the shaving aisle at our local store.

me: Did you hear about this Quattro?

Dave: Yeah, what’s next: “The Schick Seis, one swipe shaves your whole face”?

Almost, Dave, almost.

Gillette can’t skip right to five and expect it to be easy. The Fusion is a stiff, painful shave. And don’t even get me started on the revolutionary single blade on the other side of the razor, the point of which is to allow precision trimming on those hard-to-shave-with-five-blades places — which is basically everywhere on your whole face unless you’re sporting unnaturally angular features, like Maria Shriver. The single blade would only be a good idea if it worked. But it doesn’t.

The one thing I can say about the Fusion is that I finished shaving in record time, spurred somewhat by the stinging, but also helped along by the sheer amount of cutting power that I was using. I don’t like to shave, so being done quickly is a plus, but the reason I don’t like to shave is because pain and blood are so off-putting. It’s not even a dilemma. I’ll take lost time over lost blood any day. Except Double Pay Wednesday at the blood bank.

Speaking of, I should probably stop by there on my way home from work. After using the Fusion, I think I need to make a withdrawal.