Weblog Sin Pies

By Dave Stefani

Can someone please explain American Apparel to me … What!? Really? No … Really!? I mean … they’re cotton T-shirts, right? I didn’t miss something here? Why are they $20.00? What is this, the Pentagon? Do they sell $600.00 hammers, too? Man, those must be some really nice sheep.

Okay, I’m at the Buffalo Exchange the other day. And I pick out four plain T-shirts of a good color and fit, one of which happens to be an American Apparel shirt. So I get to the counter and the American Apparel shirt happens to be half off. The girl at the register acted like I’d just won a fucking Humvee in Vegas. “This is half off. A great price, especially for American Apparel,” she beamed.

And I say, “Listen honey. American Apparel … Hanes … I don’t really give a shit. If by great price you mean that used and half off it costs what it should new, then yeah … great price. Now give me my fucking ‘no bag’ token so I can help fight feline leukemia.”

I don’t understand how plain T-shirts became so hip, but the marketers of this stuff must be some kind of geniuses, not to mention having balls of Kevlar. The only thing stupider than paying $20.00 for a T-shirt that has some name brand printed across it is paying $20.00 dollars for a T-shirt that doesn’t have a name brand printed across it.

Read more about what Dave doesn’t like:

why i hate something: anime

We could post a bunch of Winter Olympics updates, but what fun would that be? Oh, I suppose we could make it fun by editorializing and writing smart-ass remarks about the events. We could talk about curling, which is, as far as we know, the only sport where the competitors are janitors in bowling shirts. We could also point out that we know the luge people have no real control of that sled. We don’t have proof, but we know. And how about skier Lindsey Kildow, who reportedly did the splits at high speed after catching an edge warming up for the women’s downhill? Ouch! She was hospitalized last we heard, which is no surprise considering there’s no speed at which doing the splits would work out for us.

We could talk about all those things, but we have more important Winter Olympics-related issues to discuss. Like former ice-skating hopeful Tonya Harding’s official Web site, where she reveals what her ideal life would be like:

“It would be having enough money to go hunting and fishing and go to the big four-wheel-drive mud bogs,” she says. “And every once in a while put on a really pretty dress and go to dinner at a place like Applebee’s or something.”

Ah, mud bogs and Applebees. She sounds dreamy. And I’m not the only one who thinks so. Head over to the fantasy messages section of her site for some hardcore descriptions of what some of her fans would like to do to her over and over. Say what you will about Tonya’s fans, but don’t call them tentative:

As Tonya walked into my massage parlor I felt my boner swell.

You don’t say. Is that all it takes? Here’s a tip about the rest of that story: it’s goddamn gross. So are the thousands of other posts in the fantasy section. You’ve been warned.

Why does this former Olympian host a message board on which perverts post erotic stories about her? I’m really asking. Anyone?

For some G-rated tasteless media watch the inroduction video on the main page or head over to Tonya’s photo gallery and feast your eyes on some of her career highlights.

Here’s one for the album:

See, Nancy started it by trying to pull Tonya’s hair while they warmed up:

The site is bulging with cringe-worthy material. There’s even plenty of photos of Tonya and those scummy guys she enlisted to club Kerrigan during the 1994 Olympics. Allegedly enlisted, I mean. Allegedly.

Product review: Gillette Fusion

Msn: Gillette adds several more blades with which to cut you

“There was never a plan to go to four,” said Peter Hoffman, president of Gillette’s blades and razors business, who said Fusion was in the development pipeline for several years.

They went from three to five. Remember in “A Christmas Story” when the kid goes right from the “double dog dare” to the “triple dog dare,” creating “a slight breach of etiquette” by skipping the “triple dare”? And do you remember the fiasco that resulted? Fire trucks? Cops? There’s a progression to these things, I tell you.

A new miracle design allows you to carve chunks out of your flesh without removing the beard hair. How do they do that!? The result is a bloody, yet surprisingly hairy face. The only way they could make it worse would be to somehow cut your face up while simultaneously making your beard hair even longer. Come on science!

A few days after Schick launched four-blade razor the Quattro, I ran into my friend Dave in the shaving aisle at our local store.

me: Did you hear about this Quattro?

Dave: Yeah, what’s next: “The Schick Seis, one swipe shaves your whole face”?

Almost, Dave, almost.

Gillette can’t skip right to five and expect it to be easy. The Fusion is a stiff, painful shave. And don’t even get me started on the revolutionary single blade on the other side of the razor, the point of which is to allow precision trimming on those hard-to-shave-with-five-blades places — which is basically everywhere on your whole face unless you’re sporting unnaturally angular features, like Maria Shriver. The single blade would only be a good idea if it worked. But it doesn’t.

The one thing I can say about the Fusion is that I finished shaving in record time, spurred somewhat by the stinging, but also helped along by the sheer amount of cutting power that I was using. I don’t like to shave, so being done quickly is a plus, but the reason I don’t like to shave is because pain and blood are so off-putting. It’s not even a dilemma. I’ll take lost time over lost blood any day. Except Double Pay Wednesday at the blood bank.

Speaking of, I should probably stop by there on my way home from work. After using the Fusion, I think I need to make a withdrawal.

By Dave Stefani

Hello everyone and welcome to the first edition of Dave Stefani’s “Why I hate something.” Today’s subject: anime

Let me tell you why I hate anime. Or manga. Or Japanimation. Or whatever you nerds are calling it these days so people don’t think you’re doing what you’re doing, which is watching fucking cartoons.

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