what are we all even doing?
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
I don’t even know what I’m doing. You know? Some days, I just get up, do my morning thing, put on my neutron sandals, and hover off to the station. But what I am really doing on those days?
Other days I stay in the bunker, sequencing genes and sharpening sticks. I’ll watch old LaserDiscs of 1940s science and eat Pop Tarts and beer for lunch. But even on those days I sometimes have to walk over to the mirror, wipe away the ants, and wonder aloud what the hell I’m even doing.
When you think about your life, all the little choices and chances that led you to the place you are right now, it’s probably just one wild coincidence after another, right? Right. So what are you doing? Are you doing what you really want to be doing? Are you skiing on lava? Are you training dolphins to fire a rifle? Are you inventing real-life Smurfs? Well, what are you doing? Maybe you’re grooming your unicorn or spending way too much time talking to a stump, at which point I’m sure you take a step back and question what you’re actually doing.
My guess is, you’re doing something close to what you want to be doing, or something that’s exactly like what you want to be doing, or something not very close to what you want to be doing, or something you totally don’t want to be doing. Don’t freak; I’m pretty good at guessing stuff. But even if it’s exactly what you want, is it really? Or is it just what you think you should want to be doing? I bet it’s really healthy to question what you’re doing, because then you don’t get too complacent.
Do you ever drive along the road, maybe going twice as fast as the law allows and twice as drunk too, and wonder what you’re doing? And does that lead you to a further internal discussion about physics and destiny and whether there really is such a thing as dying “instantly” or “on impact”? If so, that’s pretty messed up, and instead of wondering what you’re doing, you should be wondering about a therapist and when her next available appointment is.
On the days when I’m tricking my neighbors into thinking that we’re under attack or trying to teach a llama to play the piano, it’s not uncommon for me to wonder what I’m doing with this life. What could I have been? What could I still be, if I make different choices from now on? What is a choice, really, but “the mental process of thinking involved with the process of judging the merits of multiple options and selecting one of them for action.” You know?
photo: thstrand
