Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

Well, it’s that time of year when some of us start making a list of things we’re going to try for the first time, or do better, or quit doing entirely. The only problem with lists is that they’re so hard to follow. Like when I take a list to the grocery store, I never end up with only the stuff on the list. In fact, sometimes I forget the list in the car and just wander around the store for hours.

There are times I think lists are designed to make you ignore them. Like that list of “rules” by the swimming pool. Or the one on the side of my prescription. My police record is a list of sorts. The point is, lists can become your enemy if you let them, much like the neighbor kids or your mechanic. But they’re not all bad. Lists can also tell you a lot about things in a certain, arbitrarily defined group. Lists reveal how much you know about the world in general, or how much you don’t know about your own family. It’s time to embrace lists.

So for the first time ever, I have a New Year’s resolution: to make more of those things I’ve already referred to so many times that the word is starting to sound weird to me. You know what I mean.

Following is a list of just some of the lists I’ll be making in 2009.

• Things I can do instead of that thing I was supposed to do
• Snacks I can eat in one bite
• Colors my hair will never be
• People around whom I should probably at least pretend that I’m sober
• Stuff I really should dust
• College degrees I would have failed to receive had I attempted them
• People whom I’ll never sleep with
• People whom I’ll never sleep near, because they frighten me
• Things you can do with allergy medication other than mitigate the symptoms of allergies
• Things better said in writing
• Meadows I’ve run across into the open arms of a woman
• Women whose open arms I’ve run across a meadow to be embraced by
• Meadows that are too geographically risky to run across, regardless of whose arms are waiting, open
• Ways I’m like a robot
• Different sets of last words for various situations
• Best of 2009: The Lists

What else should I list in 2009?

By Charley Daniels

Yet another thing that fills me with holiday cheer this mid-December, courtesy of Amazon.com’s “latest discussion” feature:

Divorce, becoming a recluse, dementia — there are a number of contenders on there, but you can see which one I immediately clicked on. I mean, who isn’t curious what to get for the parent with dementia who actually believes that he or she has everything?

By Charley Daniels

People in general put way too much stock in things that don’t matter. Hey people, why do that? IT DOESN’T MATTER.

It doesn’t matter what a person’s skin color is, or what a person’s religious beliefs are. It doesn’t matter where someone went to school or for how long. It doesn’t matter whom someone voted for, or politics in general, or socio-economic status. Quit focusing on what sort of clothes people wear, or how often someone “messes up” at work. It doesn’t matter how many spouses we’ve had, or jobs, or felony convictions.

How much money someone makes. What kind of car a person drives. What sort of shoes you wear. So many things mean absolutely nothing! The size of someone’s house. Who a person’s friends are. What I was doing between 5 p.m. and 3 a.m. on the evening of Nov. 13. Can’t we just move on?

Look, I know societal pressures push you to focus on certain things. But does it really matter how many drinks a person had before noon? I submit that it doesn’t. It’s almost as if it’s popular to get all hung up on insignificant stuff, like whether someone has a permanent address, or whether he owes you money. I mean, it’s like bathing or not bathing is affecting the global financial crisis. It’s not! Quit worrying about stuff that totally doesn’t matter.

People seem to think it matters so much how many hit-and-runs you’ve perpetrated not even counting the ones where you didn’t get caught. Why are people so worried about petty details? Is there really a substantive difference between “misdemeanor” or “felony” or “just an oopsie”? Not really. So quit asking questions like it matters.

Some of you are probably thinking, “But wait: In your world, does anything matter?” Of course things matter. Of course. But that’s a different post. This one is about the things that don’t matter, such as the spotted owl, orange traffic signs, and relatives twice removed.

Here’s an example: At your party the other day, you asked me how I intended to pay for that. I was too busy at the time to respond, because I was trying to keep my own belongings from catching fire, but now I have an answer: Does it really matter?

The main point here is people seem to care an awful lot about things that have no consequence in the Grand Scheme. And the more you focus on stuff that is neither here nor there, the more the important things slip by unnoticed. You might be all worked up about whether you bought lunch the last three times we went out, and suddenly terrorists attack somewhere. Notice what happened? You were focusing on things that don’t matter. While it’s not your fault that terrorists attacked … or is it? See, you might need to seriously rethink some stuff.

Thing is, it’s high time you stand up (do this now), thrust your fist in the air, and start focusing only on things that actually matter, while burying somewhere in your subconscious stuff that clearly does not matter, which is a list that includes these things:

• Which neighborhood a person lives in
• Bengal tigers
• Commitments
• Grooming
• Taxes on gambling winnings
• Step children
• Other types of children
• The color mauve
• Representin’
• Alley cattin’
• Listenin’
• Debts owed to weak or otherwise non-threatening people
• Birthdays
• Setting a good example
• Loaning me expensive equipment
• Promises not covered under the term “commitments”
• Non-Indo-European languages
• Niceties, pleasantries, saying the right thing, etc.
• Balanced nutrition
• Watching where you walk
• Watching what you say around elders, people in general
• Feelings
• Account balances
• Other

As usual, feel free to continue the list in the comments. Next time: something that matters!

By Charley Daniels

00.05

Each second is an eternity now, but it’s simultaneously really fast, almost like a single tick of a clock. We’re getting close. There are only a few numbers after five, but I’m not quite sure how many.

Then I start thinking about the number itself. Five? What’s “five” to me? Nothing, that’s what. It doesn’t even rhyme with anything important. Although, I guess “hive” is important if you’re a bee or some sort of jerk who harnesses bees to do your evil. I may have spoken too soon there, but just when I start ruminating on ill-formulated assertions–

00.04

Ah jeez. I’m really in it now. I’m dreading what happens next, but I also welcome it. Do you know what I mean? It’s like, let’s just get this over with. So many things in life feel that way — but what a waste! “Just tear the bandage off, man.” That’s crazy. Don’t just tear the bandage off, man! Life is what happens between the time you pry up the grubby corner of that bandage and the time you’re hopping around screaming, embarrassing yourself, while holding an abnormally hairy bandage in your pulling hand.

It’s funny that humans invented bandages to tape over our bloody wounds. And it’s funny how many we go through in a week.

Countdowns are like unrequited love: You can see clearly where it’s going, but you still watch each moment in case the inevitable somehow doesn’t happen.

00.03

This is where it gets intense. Or, intenser, anyway. Whatever chance there was that I might have been able to turn back is now two seconds older than it was a couple seconds ago. Think about it.

Can I stop this thing? There are some buttons on there, but what if pressing them speeds up the process, or makes some sort of high-pitched shrieking noise that’s really annoying? There has to be something I can do, because I’m dreading what happens when this mother gets to zero.

Sorry for sort-of swearing, but I’m under a bit of pressure right now.

Hey, why didn’t I start trying to figure out a way to stop this thing 87 seconds ago, when the counter said 01:30? Or three minutes before that, when it was almost at five minutes? Guess I wasn’t really in that frame of mind back then.

00.02

Wow. I guess this is the part where things flash before your eyes, or something. A few things are flashing for me. Like, the time I burned popcorn, or that day when I cut my thumb slicing an apple that turned out to be really mealy and flavorless. So, mostly bad food experiences are flashing before my eyes, which sort of makes sense if you know me at all.

But what’s going to happen next? Euphoria? Painful burning? I honestly have no idea, because I’ve never been in a spot exactly like this before.

Remember what I said earlier about five? I realize now that I was actually thinking of two when I said that. See, I get them confused. Easy to do, because just look at them, like mirror images of one another. So, to recap: “Two”? It doesn’t even rhyme with anything important, etc. etc. etc.

Man, these last couple seconds are really creeping along, aren’t they?

00.01

I never had a nickname, so maybe this will lead to that. You know, like “Hot Button” or “Seconds Left” — something quirky but sort of cool. “Countdown.” I dunno, maybe not.

The sad thing is, I didn’t even want this. Not that anyone ever does, probably, but I really didn’t mean to get myself into this mess. Most people in this situation, I think, go in with the mind that it’s a great idea, only to realize later that it wasn’t a good idea at all. Me? I knew from the start. So what happened?

00.01

I think the timer must be broken or som- Oh no, there it goes.

00.00

Well, time is officially up. I guess I have to eat this dollar-store microwave burrito now, unless it’s still frozen hard inside, in which case I’ll probably put it back in for a minute or two.

This has been five seconds with a melodramatic guy whose diet is somewhat questionable and who has no friends. [end scene]

By Charley Daniels

(full size)

[via Tcritic]