Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

(Continued)

By Charley Daniels

At the end of last year, Court TV rebranded itself in what many at the time called “a terrible, terrible decision.” That which was once Court TV, a network that covered trials, is now Tru TV, a network that misplaced a letter. Tru TV’s trademarked slogan is “Not reality. Actuality.” Yes, a TV network whose website claims that its prime-time shows are all “based on exciting, real-life stories” has a slogan that begins “Not reality.” So there’s already a bit of a conundrum there, but who gives a shit, because I didn’t watch it when it was about court, and I’m certainly not going to tune in now that its shows are based on tru stories, whatever the hell that means.

But tonight I was watching The Daily Show, and during a commercial break I was scrolling through the program grid when something caught my eye: The Smoking Gun Presents: World’s Dumbest Criminals. Hey, I thought, that might be good for a laugh (must have been the beer talking). So I clicked over to Tru TV for the first time ever, and what I found was equal parts stupid and not awesome. Here is a video show with real footage of people breaking the law, intercut with commentary from “celebrities” a la VH1’s I love the [Decade]. The celebrities make fun of the criminals, see, sort of like VH1’s talking heads make fun of Hypercolor shirts, or whatever. Well, that’s the idea, ostensibly. In practice it seems more like the celebrities give an uninspired play-by-play of the videos, sort of like this gem here:

The result is a motley assortment of random jackasses snickering as they describe a video you’ve already watched. Compelling?

And, oh yes, Tonya Harding is one of the “celebrity” commentators, which moves the star factor from D-list to “seriously?” status rather quickly, no matter who your powerhouse celeb is (in case you’re wondering, this show’s powerhouse celeb is Danny Bonaduce).

But Tonya Harding? Really? As soon as you see her, you have to wonder if what you’re watching is an elaborate ruse designed to get her on camera talking about stuff. Because there is some comedy potential there, I think. But no, this is real. Or, at any rate, it’s Tru.

By Charley Daniels

Back in December 2007 I wrote a post about the Human Calendar. In the comments of that post, Robert went off half-cocked (don’t know what this means, always wanted to say it) about how he was photographed for the Human Clock when he worked at Ground Kontrol in Portland. The last seven months we’ve been laughing behind his back about what a liar he is, but it turns out it’s freaking true!

Somehow he traveled back in time and became 11-year-old Robert for the photo, but yep, that’s him; I recognize the smug look and the rolled-up sleeve. Sorry for not believing you dude, but you have to admit: I never believe anything.

By Charley Daniels

Lately I’ve been liking lighter beer more and more, mostly because it goes better with valium. Joke!

But the part about lighter beer was no joke. In fact, it’s rather serious. You see, I love a good craft-brewed, thick as War and Peace, kick-in-the-ass ale. But it’s sort of like cake when you’re 10 versus cake now. When you’re 10, you want to eat the whole cake, and you might do just that if given the opportunity. As an adult, you usually find some restraint, particularly if other people are watching, and have only one piece of cake…

That analogy can kiss my ass.

It’s a bad analogy, I realized, because as an adult I have the utmost restraint when it comes to cake, but I have very little restraint when it comes to beer. And if I’ve had between 6 and 16 beers, I no longer have restraint when it comes to cake. So it’s much more complicated than a “cake when you’re 10” story would suggest. And I’ll be damned if I haven’t been able to simplify most things in life with a “cake when you’re 10” story.

So I guess what this discussion is really about is analogies. What are they? I hate to point out the elephant in the room, but “anal” makes up more than half of the word “analogy.” But why is that? To me, an analogy is like when a writer takes creative license and bends the truth, only in an analogy it’s obvious the actual analogizing is just an example, hopefully one that represents reality in a simpler way than reality itself does. So an analogy is to reality as algebra is to everyday life. Because you use algebra in everyday life, if lying math teachers are to be believed.

But sometimes reality is a bummer. And that’s when beer comes in handy, regardless of whether it’s light or dark or cake-flavored. I think we can all agree on these points I’ve just presented.

By Charley Daniels

I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty interested in The World Beard and Moustache Championships. This happens every other year (probably because it takes time to really get your beard in shape). The next is May 23, 2009, in Anchorage. What better reason to go to Alaska than to see hirsute competitors battle it out in no-holds-barred beard-offs?

Can ladies compete? If they can, are they graded on the same scale?

Personally, I think this is a great opportunity to take a trip to Alaska and learn about the maybe exciting world of facial hair competitions. For example, in reference to the photo above:

With his superstyled partial beard which NPR’s Robert Siegel once dubbed a “hair pretzel” Willi Chevalier practically owns the partial beard freestyle category. Indeed, Willi has won this category at all WBMC’s in memory with the exception of the 2003 WBMC when he was on injured reserve following an unfortunate encounter with a power drill.

You read that right: a “hair pretzel”! You also read that other part right: “an unfortunate encounter with a power drill.” Man, I’d like to hear the rest of that story, and maybe I can next May in Anchorage when I take Willi aside and ask him to give me the gory details. It must sting to have every freestyle trophy but the one, am I right Willi? Especially when you check out the photos of some of the winners that year:

Willi was a lock, I’m thinking.

So who’s with me? Anchorage next May? We need to decide soon, so I can stop shaving and prepare for the amateur competition.